Quotes
 Amanda Lemmon: Yeah, right, and Santa Claus lives with the tooth fairy in Queens. Diane Barrows: You know, I really thought it was that can`t-eat, can`t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.
Diane Barrows: Besides, you don`t want to be an orphan forever.
Amanda Lemmon: So adopt me, why don`t you!
Diane Barrows: They won`t let me adopt you on my salary; besides, you deserve a mother *and* a father.
Amanda Lemmon: So, get a husband.
Diane Barrows: It`s not like buying a car, you know.
Amanda Lemmon: I know. It`s got to be that can`t-eat, can`t- sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, world-series kind of stuff, right?
Diane Barrows: Hey, a girl`s got to have her standards.
Diane Barrows: You`re not a reject. It`s just that, most people want to adopt...
Amanda Lemmon: Babies. I know.
Diane Barrows: Guys like him like girls with food names: Cookie, Muffin, Candy... They don`t marry girls like me.
Roger Callaway: I made my money the old-fashioned way - pure dumb luck.
Amanda Lemmon: This orphan stuff is like growing up in the dog-pound. Everybody wants a puppy.
Alyssa Calloway: How was the party?
Amanda Lemmon: Well, the good news is, Clarice is gone.
Alyssa Calloway: You did it!
Amanda Lemmon: The bad news is, she`ll be back in a week.
Alyssa Calloway: Oh, you didn`t.
Diane Barrows: I can`t believe you talked me into this!
Alyssa Calloway: You`re too tense. Relax.
Diane Barrows: Oh, I`ve got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!
Roger Callaway: I don`t know what`s more bruised, my butt or my ego.
Diane Barrows: You should really put iodine on your butt... cut.
Amanda Lemmon: All this money and these people eat slugs?
Clarice Kensington: "Rough" is a broken nail, darling, what I`m having is a *trainwreck*!
Clarice Kensington: Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!
Clarice Kensington: I have never been more humiliated in my life!
[turns to walk off and huffs]
Alyssa Calloway: Wanna bet?
[she steps on Clarice`s wedding dress so that everyone can see her underpants]
Diane Barrows: Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn`t want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.
Roger Callaway: I think you had it right the first time.
Roger Callaway: Vincenzo, did you ever hit a home run?
Vincenzo: Not recently.
Roger Callaway: You know the feeling when it`s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one`s coming right down the middle. And then, you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it`s going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine.
Vincenzo: Yeah, that`s a great feeling.
Roger Callaway: Yeah.
[pauses, closes wedding ring box]
Roger Callaway: Clarice hates baseball.
Diane Barrows: [bangs loudly on Butkises` door] Hello! Hello!
Butkis` Neighbor: You looking for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: What?
Butkis` Neighbor: You looking for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: Yes! Yes, I am.
Vincenzo: My god - you`re *not* Alyssa!
Amanda Lemmon: Nope. Name`s Amanda, put `er there!
[shakes Vincenzo`s hand]
Vincenzo: Identical strangers? Holy mackerel, that`s amazing!
Amanda Lemmon: Yeah, and it`s weird, too!
Clarice Kensington: This - is all YOUR fault!
[she raises her arm to hit Amanda, who poses as Alyssa, but Vincenzo furiously grabs her arm and stops her; Clarice turns to him]
Vincenzo: Lady, if you touch that child, I`ll pop you one, so help me God!
Roger Callaway: [Amanda, as Alyssa, bangs a tune on the piano] Do you think maybe my daughter`s asking for a little attention?
Vincenzo: I`d say she`s demanding it.
Roger Callaway: [as Amanda bangs the final notes] Hmm.
Alyssa Calloway: Aren`t you coming?
Diane Barrows: Uh, no, I think I`m just gonna wait for Amanda out here.
Alyssa Calloway: DIANE BARROWS! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS... IN-STANT!
Diane Barrows: Okay. Okay. Maybe I`ll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.
Radio Announcer: Lots of tie-ups this mornin`. It`s 20 minutes for the Lincoln, 10 for the Holland. The B.Q.E. is backed up for about 2 miles, and if you`re takin` the Van Wyck, better allow an extra 15. Whateva ya do, stay outta midtown. It`s gonna be wall-to-wall limos as socialite Clarice Kensington finally lands her man!
Diane Barrows: [after Alyssa, as Amanda, was `adopted` by the Butkises] You were supposed to protect her! You should`ve done something. Y-Y-You could`ve slit their tires or something! Anything!
Jerry: They had the paperwork!
Diane Barrows: *What* paperwork?
Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn`t find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God`s sake?
Diane Barrows: I would have!
[she drops the paperwork]
Diane Barrows: I`m takin` the Jeep!
[she takes the keys to the Jeep]
Jerry: Hey, that`s the camp`s!
Diane Barrows: [furiously] Oh, don`t you even...!
Diane Barrows: [surprised that Amanda and Alyssa are identical] This is amazing.
Vincenzo: Yeah. And it`s weird, too. Now, I understand that through some, uh, some simple mix-up, that Alyssa is in a care of child`s services. Now, I`ve been authorized to tell you, that if I get her back right away, there`ll be no legal entanglements.
Diane Barrows: Um, you see, she`s not exactly with me, here.
Vincenzo: What?
Diane Barrows: She`s been... Well, she was adopted.
Vincenzo: Well, then you`d better unadopt her, quick! Mr. Callaway`s gettin` married in 90 minutes at St. Bartholomew`s! He`s expecting his daughter to be there, his *real* daughter.
Diane Barrows: *90 minutes*?
Vincenzo: Yeah.
Diane Barrows: Well, I can`t even get to Staten Island and back in 90 minutes!
Vincenzo: Well, may I suggest that you go really, *really* fast?
[he writes down a number]
Vincenzo: Here. If you get into any trouble, call this number.
[he hands it to Diane]
Vincenzo: Ask for Lou!
[he leaves, and Diane looks at the number]
Diane Barrows: Lou. Lou Who?
Diane Barrows: [drives all the way to Staten Island] I must be crazy. But I`m not goin` in that church. No matter what happens, I am NOT goin` in that church!
Amanda Lemmon: [as Alyssa] I`m just so terribly relieved that you`re not... pissed.
Vincenzo: ...Pissed, Miss?
Alyssa Calloway: [to Vincenzo, after thinking that Clarice wants to sell the mansion] I`ve lost my mother, now I`ve lost my father! I have no family. I`m an orphan, and I`m running away, so don`t you dare tell Daddy!
[Diane and Alyssa see a horse-drawn carriage, and Alyssa gets on]
Diane Barrows: Oh, no. *Not* another horse!
Alyssa Calloway: Diane, come *on*!
Diane Barrows: Fine.
[she gets into the carriage]
Diane Barrows: Where is the driver?
[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]
Diane Barrows: Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you better take us to St. Bart`s right away, it`s an emergency!
Horse Driver: [through a mouthful of hot dog] Yeah, so is this. I`m on my break!
[Diane turns to Alyssa, and makes a gesture telling her to get in the driver`s seat and take the reins, both of which Alyssa does, and Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]
Diane Barrows: [sarcastically but indignantly] I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!
Alyssa Calloway: [whips the reins] Yah!
[the horse runs on, pulling the carriage, but Diane falls backwards into the seat]
Horse Driver: [notices and runs after his horse] Hey. Hey, lady! Wait, that`s...
[spits out his mouthful, then bellows after them]
Horse Driver: *That`s my horse*!
Diane Barrows: Told ya. Third time`s the charm...
Roger Callaway: Wait. All of this? This was your doing?
[Amanda and Alyssa smile]
Roger Callaway: Oh, it *was*, was it?
Roger Callaway: Well, girls? What do you have to say for yourselves?
Alyssa Calloway, Amanda Lemmon: So kiss already!
Trivia
The first draft of the script by Deborah Dean Davis was never read by director Andy Tennant. The second writer Jeff Schechter`s draft made this a "go" picture with Rysher Entertainment. Tennant was hired, and offered help for the picture`s problems. He and his writing partner Rick Parks rewrote Schecter`s draft. Tennant and Parks were rewritten by the producers Cruickshank. The studio preferred Tennant and Parks` draft with notes, so Tennant and Parks took another pass. The WGAW ruled against any other writer`s credits due to biased by-laws which disallowed Writer/Directors with partners from receiving credits on features unless in extreme circumstances. None of Davis` dialogue was used.
Lori Loughlin was offered the role of Diane.
John Stamos was offered a cameo in the film as Harry Butkis.
Bob Saget was offered the role of Roger Callaway.
The Camp used in the film is Camp Mini-Yo-We in Muskoka, Ontario, Canada.
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Kirstie Alley
(as Diane Barrows)
with Steve Guttenberg
(as Roger Callaway)
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