Quotes
 , Fishman: Sir, would it be ok if we called you Spider?
Max: Why the h - - would you wanna call me that?
Gordy: Because it`s your nick name.
Max: Well fine then. Call me Spider!
Fishman: Spider. Spider. Spider!
Max: WHAT?
Fishman: How come your nick name`s Spider?
Max: Because I once killed a kid who called me Spider, one time too many!
Fishman: Yeah, but how could he call you Spider one time too many if your nick name wasn`t already Spider?
[making smoke signals]
Fishman: Ok, it`s two longs and one short. No, no, no, stop. Stop wait. Two shorts and one long.
Barnhill: Oh great! What are we supposed to do, cross that letter out?
Max: Watcha making?
Gordy: It`s a crystal-dialed receiver. You know what that is, right?
Max: Yeah, of course I do. That is a beauty.
Gordy: That`s the toolbox.
[scouts singing]
Max: Alright! Knock it off! What is that? We run and dance and sing and play?
Gordy: My mom kinda wrote the words.
Max: Well they suck! Okay?
[Boys are peeing off of a ledge]
Max: Shake your lizards, let `em drain. Move your hips and...
Everyone: Spell your name!
Max: Send it straight, send it hard. Now a sword fight, go...
Everyone: On guard!
Max: Eat your veggies, eat your starches. Lean back boys...
Everyone: Golden arches!
Max: Alright! Now flip them and zip them and let`s get going!
[little kid rides up on a tricycle]
Kid: Can I play too?
Scouts: AAAAHHHH!
Barnhill: Little kid, go home.
Gordy: We`re not playing, we`re practicing.
Kid: You guys are silly.
[looking at a Playboy]
Ralph: Whoa! I bet you`ve never seen anything like this before, huh, Barnhill. You probably don`t even know about the birds and the bees, you butthead.
Kelsey: Oh, and you do?
Ralph: Yeah. That`s right, I do.
Kelsey: Oh yeah? Go ahead and explain it to us.
Ralph: Uh, I know it`s about making babies. And I know it takes a man *and* a woman to make it work right. And they both have to go into a room. And they both take their shirts off.
Fishman: No, no, no. The man doesn`t have to take his shirt off. Just the woman!
Barnhill: Hey! Check it out! Len Strader`s in her underwear!
Dana: Let me see!
Barnhill: Sorry. She just ducked behind McClipman`s house.
Dana: Barnhill, you`re such a liar.
Barnhill: You`re such a shrimp.
[Gordy`s hanging from a ledge]
Max: Hey kid, how`s it hanging? Alright, Gordy, I`m coming down to get you.
Gordy: No! You don`t know what you`re doing!
Max: Of course I do! I`m the Lizard! Remember?
Gordy: You mean the Spider?
Max: Right.
Gordy: My mom says the guy who`s taking us has hiked all over the world.
Barnhill: I`m sure he won`t be half as good as the guy me and my dad had on our trip to the Serengeti.
Ralph: Barnhill, if you`re dad is so friggin` cool, then why isn`t he our scout leader?
Barnhill: Oh yeah. Spies have a lot of time for the scouts.
Ralph: Nice dolls.
Barnhill: Did you bring a pretty pink umbrella too, in case it starts to rain?
Kelsey: No, I figured we could all just crouch under a pair of your underwear and wait it out.
Fishman: Well guys, we gotta start a fire. Better start looking for pinecones.
Max: Pinecones?
Fishman: It says in the manual, whenever your camp is surrounded by green wood, always use pinecones to start your fire.
Max: If the manual told you to stick your wiener in a light-socket, would you do it?
Ralph: We finally get to go on an overnight, and we end up at Grand Central Station.
Gordy: It`s better than my backyard.
Ralph: Not by much.
[on the phone]
Marty: Grabelski! What the hell`s going on? Some guy on TV said you killed somebody!
Max: I know, but it`s not true. I was set up. I gotta know if there`s another package for Timberline Inc., to Reinhart Bragdon.
Marty: What the hell`s Reinhart Bragdon got to do with anything?
Max: Because that`s the guy I killed!
Marty: Oh, so you did kill somebody.
Max: No, I told you I was framed!
Jack Erickson: God bless those little scouts!
Agent Palmer: What? What do you see?
Jack Erickson: Smoke signals! Right by the book.
Agent Palmer: Oh, yeah!
Jack Erickson: Well, almost.
Agent Palmer: What do they say?
Jack Erickson: Belp! Belp!
Max: Look, Kelsey, there`s nothing wrong with being a little afraid.
Fishman: Spider, I`m scared, too.
Max: Will you shut up, you gutless coward? I`m talkin` to her!
Max: Now you are going to pretend to be me.
Jack Erickson: Get yourself fucked boy.
Max: Gimme that glue!
Jack Erickson: You still have a chance to be a FINE YOUNG SCOUT!
Max: WHERE IS THAT GLUE?
Jack Erickson: Top pocket.
Max: Put your palms up
[spits off the top of the glue and spreads glue on the wheel]
Max: Now grab hold of the wheel.
Jack Erickson: ARE YOU NUTS?
Max: I said grab the wheel. Come on, I have a gun for Christ sake!
Jack Erickson: You`re going to pay for this mister
Max: [spreads glue on top of the wheel] Now put your chin there
Jack Erickson: You know this stuff is permanent.
Max: Do it!
Jack Erickson: Ohh sh... Hey! I can`t drive like this!
Max: Keep heading south and don`t stop driving until you get to Mexico and I`m going to be right behind you the whole time
[removes the rear view mirror]
Max: Don`t try any funny and I`ll blow your butt off, got it?
Jack Erickson: Yeah I got it, keep driving, no funny stuff, blow butt off.
Max: [hesitates then answers] Right!
Jack Erickson: Let`s get vertical.
[starts climbing]
Agent Palmer: You expect me to climb up there with just my hands?
Jack Erickson: That`s right, dough boy, that`s the way to do it.
Agent Palmer: How about when you get to the top you throw me down a ladder?
Barnhill: Hey, Spider. We just pissed on some guy`s head!
Trivia
Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly did an uncredited rewrite of the script.
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