Family Guy (1999) |
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Family Guy Cast |
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TV Show Highlights |
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Full Cast and Crew |
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Actor CreditsNon Actor Credits |
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Awards |
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Family Guy (1999) was nominated for the following awards:
Emmy Awards
1.
Emmy
2006
2.
Emmy
2006
3.
Emmy
2006
4.
Emmy
2006
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming Less Than One Hour)
Chris Robertson
Nominated
6.
Emmy
2006
7.
Emmy
2006
8.
Emmy
2006
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming Less Than One Hour)
Shannon Smith
Nominated
9.
Emmy
2006
10.
Emmy
2006
11.
Emmy
2006
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming Less Than One Hour)
Michael Rowe
Nominated
12.
Emmy
2006
13.
Emmy
2005
14.
Emmy
2005
15.
Emmy
2005
16.
Emmy
2005
17.
Emmy
2005
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming Less Than One Hour)
Shannon Smith
Nominated
18.
Emmy
2005
19.
Emmy
2005
20.
Emmy
2005
24.
Emmy
2000
25.
Emmy
2000
26.
Emmy
2000
27.
Emmy
2000
28.
Emmy
2000
29.
Emmy
2000
30.
Emmy
2000
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming One Hour or Less)
Billiam Coronel
Nominated
32.
Emmy
2000
33.
Emmy
2000
36.
Emmy
2000
Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming One Hour or Less)
John A. Kuri
Nominated
Annie Awards
39.
Annie
1999
Outstanding Individual Achievement for Music in an Animated Television Production
Nominated
40.
Annie
1999
Outstanding Individual Achievement for Music in an Animated Television Production
Nominated
41.
Annie
1999
Outstanding Individual Achievement for Music in an Animated Television Production
Nominated
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Photo Gallery |
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Fans |
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Trivia |
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Quotes Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off. Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don`t care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I`ve decided not to kill you. Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting. [a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
[to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That`s right, damn you and such. Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD.
[runs off crying] [Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.
[runs off] Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don`t mention it around the Veteran`s Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
[Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, you`re a sweet, beautiful girl, he`ll come around.
Meg Griffin: That`s such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How`s that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy. Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I`m thinking of joining I Felta Thigh. Lois Griffin: I`m sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter`s.
Brian Griffin: `Mr. T` by Mr. T. `T and Me` by George Peppard. `For The Last Time, I`m Not Mr. T` by Ving Rhames.
[shudders] Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish`s ass. [during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs. [Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I`ll cut her!
[realizes he`s holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I`ll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected. [watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I`m afraid you`ve earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you`ve earned a day in the chamber of fire. [at Peter`s imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie`s]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I`m sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
Lois Griffin: He`s figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I`m turning you into poo. [looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow. Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame] Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail. Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players` production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I`m sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you`re such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? Stewie Griffin: This isn`t the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I`ll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH. [at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin: YEAH. I`m also addicted to boobies.
Peter Griffin: I haven`t cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you`re telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That`s...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE. [the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: This isn`t bad. It`s not good, but it`s not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less. Chris Griffin: God`s watching me do number two? Oh man, I`m a sinner, and God`s a pervert. [during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind. [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED. Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I`ve been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I`m like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I`m jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don`t have a mustache... do I? Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. [Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it. [Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can`t walk in here, and, holy crap, it`s Peter. Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don`t you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don`t you burn in hell?
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man. [Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy. Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out. Peter Griffin: At least they don`t put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate. William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap. [Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot. Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock. [Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender]
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I`m going to crap double for you tonight. Stewie Griffin: [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It`s in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie`s finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you`re talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don`t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Peter Griffin: If I wasn`t so sure you were a lesbian, I`d say you were coming on to me. Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death. Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you`re going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.
[Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!
[he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin: BLAST! [Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven`t got a job in the world. Stewie Griffin: Well, I`d love to stay and chat, but you`re a total bitch. Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom. [looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what`s the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I`ll tell you what it`s not for. And when I do, you`ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. Glen Quagmire: Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay. Brian Griffin: She`s a whiney little runt isn`t she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said runt. Bad Cockroach: Man, I`m going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn`t cut you up so bad. Chris Griffin: Dad, there`s a guy outside who says I can`t go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that`s a good army. [Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I`ve got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there`s nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I`ll just have to develop a sense of humor. [Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family]
Mexican Husband: øQuiÈn es esto?
[Who is this?]
Mexican Wife: ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones.
[He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband: øPor quÈ?
[Why?]
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I`ll do it! Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible". Tom Tucker: Now let`s go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it`s going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That`s awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain. [Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I`ve gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I`m probably over the 30-day return limit, but I`m sure if you make a fuss they`ll at least give you a store credit or something. It`s actually not a horrible sweater, it`s just I can`t imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I`m not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I`ll find the garment it goes to and then it`ll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I`m actually going to take the sweater. [Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god. It`s the Children of the Corn. Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It`s loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com. Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I`m going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that`s good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That`s right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won`t leave a bruise and it`ll let `em know who`s boss, there`s nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That... That doesn`t sound right.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin` me lip boy? Because I`ll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times] Peter Griffin: What`s wrong, Stewie, don`t you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it. Peter Griffin: Hey, where`s my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it`s my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2: It`s *my* sex box. And her name is Sony. Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin` me. "Hey, let`s put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he`s actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That`s insane. That`s impossible.
[pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I`ve got all these magazines. Oh god. Woman Running Rehab Clinic: What`s your name?
Peter Griffin: Uh
[looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
Peter Griffin: Pea.
Peter Griffin: [sees a woman crying] tear uh
Peter Griffin: [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that`s it, Peter Griffin.
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Oh crap. Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we`ve, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what`s with you and the gay jokes? [Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Lois` Father: My jacket`s in there, please don`t write on it. Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the `80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11. Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how`s it going? Stewie Griffin: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can`t hear you, you`ll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I`m sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I`m still getting some hiss back here." [Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don`t panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I`ll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me... Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots... Joel!
Joel: I`m on it, I`m on it, I`m suing, I`m suing. Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it? [Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we`re at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah? [Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must`ve been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you`re good you go to heaven but if you`re bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they`re still living and they pray for death but death won`t come.
Chris Griffin: UPN? Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man`s dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. Peter Griffin: We`re going to grandpa Griffin`s retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven`t seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn`t comfortable with me since I`m not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois`s wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore] Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn`t have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello! Chris Griffin: All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How does he know about the machine? Peter Griffin: [as a swim coach] Great workout, Bobby!
Bobby: Up yours, sackbreath.
Peter Griffin: That`s *Mister* Griffin. Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks. Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I`m pretty sure the north won the war.
[dead silence] [Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where`s the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don`t see the money `till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God`s sake, there`s only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
[yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE`S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a...
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect] Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can`t park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that`s my kid.
Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don`t worry, it`s just a really fat kid. Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey!
Peter Griffin: [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/`Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can`t give her a slap/I need a Jew.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually. Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that`s the worse we got is, uh Jemimah`s Witnesses. Old Man: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It`s this girl. I can`t talk to her. It`s like girls are a different species or something.
Old Man: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Old Man: Don`t make me beg now.
Chris: You`re funny. Bye.
Old Man: Get your fat ass back here. Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can`t give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they`re abhorred / Hebrew people I`ve adored / I don`t think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew. Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey! Peter Griffin: [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/`Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can`t give her a slap/I need a Jew. Lois Griffin: Peter, where`s Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I`m going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don`t have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You`re not a shoplifter, you`re just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he`s just a fat kid. Aren`t ya fatty? He`s a big ol` fat kid. Here`s some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks. Peter Griffin: Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies?
Peter Griffin: Well, I didn`t have gas for the first time `til I was 30.
[flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading]
Peter Griffin: [farting noise]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that? Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right. Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win. [the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that? [Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That`s what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that`s what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you. Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that`s right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that`s it. Wait that`s not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113... Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
[to Lois]
Stewie Griffin: And you... well, I just plain don`t like you. [Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can`t talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all. Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you`re so deep in the closet you`re finding Christmas presents. Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put `Gumbel 2 Gumbel` back on the air, I`m going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can`t eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it? Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I`m cool, I`m cool, no problem!
[pause]
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, `n-word Jim`?
Jim: Thank you. Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year`s special people`s games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he`s dead. Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you`re retired, you`re staying with us. No arguments, I`m putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don`t want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It`s no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we`d love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You`re a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won`t burn in Hell after all. Maybe you`ll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids. Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He`s very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that. Brian Griffin: I`m really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we`re all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye. Chris Griffin: Yo, did y`all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin` somethin` but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she`s all about the bling-bling. [an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what`s that?
Father: Well son, that`s Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it`s doing down here on the wharf I haven`t the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I`m a man jackass. Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet! [at a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don`t say doing your wife. Don`t say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son... [the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can`t sir, it`s liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you. Stewie Griffin: Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers! Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers. Lois Griffin: What`s going on?
Stewie Griffin: We`re playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski`s house. [looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I`m sorry but there`s a handsome man in my spoon. You`ll have to come back later. [Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated? [while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*. Guy on Street #2: It`s 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That`s what we call a "variable". Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin: [cut to previous scene] A boat`s a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
Lois Griffin: [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago. Peter Griffin: Yeah, I`m looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We`ve also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we`re Catholic so... uh...
Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You`re a Naughty Child and that`s Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You". [Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany`s contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I`m not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There`s just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich`s first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can`t just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism`s stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That`s preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls. [trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we`ve tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it`s a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can`t bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
[pause]
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore? Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big? Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don`t you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that`ll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you. Peter Griffin: Joe, I`ve had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you`re half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can`t even measure.
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless? [the Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy: But...
George: [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I`m sorry.
George: Oh, ?I`m sorry, I`m sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could`ve been killed. Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I`m glad we`re together again.
[bell rings]
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin: Actually it`s your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: W-what the?
Stewie Griffin: I wouldn`t bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers: What?
[Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat: [meowing] Skin graft!
[meowing]
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: That`s right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I`m going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers: No, please... don`t!
Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers: No!
[Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin: It`s okay. Stewie we`re just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it`s time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh! [the audience cheered and applause]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it?
[the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
[the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: What`s wrong with you? These people shouldn`t be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim`s name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that`s turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn`t art, this isn`t even entertainment. This... blows!
[the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin: Um...
[starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don`t you see? Fate`s brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she`s in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we`ve now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah. [Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can`t share it with the townspeople? Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire? God: Let me light that for you, honey.
[he points, lights lady`s cigarette with lightning bolt]
Lady: Wow!
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We`re Outta Here! Lois Griffin: What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?
Peter Griffin: [shouts] No Coke! Pepsi! [Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison]
Peter Griffin: [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin: [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don`t know any songs.
[prisoners get mad] Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you`re the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I`m not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I`m not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can`t be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won`t. I just won`t, that`s all. I just won`t. Blast! I just did! Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! Brian Griffin: [appalled by the students being stupid] Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three`s Company!
Peter Griffin: [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as `Larry`] Jack, there`s a hot-tub party across the street and we`re invited!
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? Tom Tucker: And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: Issgon` rain! Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it! Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it`s really turn his life upside-down face.
[Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief]
Tom Tucker: It`s no concern to me if it`s turned his life upside-down face, Jake`s a good boy! Isn`t that right, Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah! Peter Griffin: My dad`s worked at that mill for 60 years. That`s almost 80 years! Peter Griffin: I didn`t give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don`t deserve your respect.
Trica Takanowa: Mr Griffin, does this mean that you`re not only a bad husband and father but you`re a bad school board president?
Reporter #2: Will you resign over this?
Peter Griffin: Yes, no and screw it, I resign. Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.
[pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it] [during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass. Death`s Mother: Put on a jacket or you`ll get frostbite.
Death: I don`t have any skin.
Death`s Mother: That`s `cause you didn`t eat your beans! Peter Griffin: [after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter] Does anyone know what this guy`s talking about?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Then would someone tell this cigarette to shut up! Peter Griffin: I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she`s having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin: [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian] Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor!
Tooth #2: Not so fast!
Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde! Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer! Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside. [the eggs in Peter`s beard have just hatched]
Peter Griffin: Aww, they look just like the kids.
[Pictures Chris`s head on the first bird, Stewie`s on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can`t, imagines Boba Fett`s head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin: Sweeeeet. Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter`s drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it`s 6 o`clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You`re drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I`m just exhausted `cause I`ve been up all night drinking. Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We`ve been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there`s just no more room on the schedule. We`ve just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That `80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot. Hooker: Hey
Lois Griffin: Peter, there`s a hooker in the bed!
Peter Griffin: Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement
[they stand still]
Hooker: Where did you go? Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these? [Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg`s hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin: I don`t have to listen to you! You`re a dog! You don`t have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ow! Chris Griffin: I don`t have to listen to you! You`re a dog! You don`t have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ouch!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We`re off on the road to Rhode Island/We`re having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We`re quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you`re not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don`t reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We`re off on the road to Rhode Island/ We`re certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin: I`m with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don`t leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We`ve traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We`re Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It`s an antique.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We`re off on the road to Rhode Island/We`re not going to stop `till we`re theeeere
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we`ll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we`re syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We`re off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin: We`d like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We`d tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We`re Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We`re Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund. Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird`s footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what`d you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn`t calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don`t want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don`t fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don`t stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird: bitch. Peter Griffin: [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don`t worry, I`ll put it out.
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who`s the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker: Really? 64?
Diane Simmons: Yes!
Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead.
Diane Simmons: Nope, she`s alive.
Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this... Joe Swanson: At least I can do this:
[singing]
Joe Swanson: ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man: [electronic voice]
[monotonous]
Disabled Man: Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap. The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, its Boston. See look, there`s Harvard.
The Pope: That`s just a barn.
Peter Griffin: Ooh. Someone went to Yale! Peter Griffin: I`ve been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I`m on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper`s.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn`t drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn`t eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie: Bert, you`re shouting again, Bert. Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I`ll give you a hint: it`s in my diaper and it`s not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don`t tell him I`m wrist deep in poopy. Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity? Peter Griffin: Now, I know you`re a feminist, and I think that`s adorable, but this is grown-up time and I`m the man. Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it`s Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
[wiggles his tongue like a snake] Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I`ve got a better idea. Let`s go play "swallow the stuff under the sink." Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England. Police Officer: Hey. That`s Against the law. You`re coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can`t Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can`t Touch Me/ Can`t Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I`ve got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can`t sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister`s teat/ Can`t touch me/ Can`t touch me/
Adam West: What in God`s name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can`t Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that`s the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can`t touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I`m a big shot, there`s no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don`t like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let`s all do the bump/ Can`t touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can`t touch me/ I`m Presidential Peter/ Interns think I`m hot/ Don`t care if you`re handicapped, I`ll still park in your spot/ I`ve been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It`s Peter, Go Peter, I`m so Peter, Yo Peter, Let`s see Regis rap this way/ Can`t touch me. Doctor: Mr. Griffin I`m saying you`re fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he`s not coming on to you. He`s trying to tell you you`re healthy.
Doctor: ...Can`t it be both? Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?" Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I`m a man who loves his taffy. Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard. Peter Griffin: Brian, there`s a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios. Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity. Peter`s Dad: I know what you`re doing in there, and it`s a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I`m a sinner and God`s a pervert. Peter Griffin: If I`m a child, that means you`re a pedophile, and I`ll be damned if I`m going to stand here and take this from a pervert. Lois Griffin: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Lois? I can`t take out the garbage because they`re keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you`re calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now I`m at the office. Peter Griffin: Please rise. Now sit on it.
[everyone sits]
Peter Griffin: May the Fonz be with you.
People In Church: And also with you.
Peter Griffin: Let us ayyy.
People In Church: Ayyyy.
Peter Griffin: And now a reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos. Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let`s just say you`re cleared for landing. Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy! [repeated line]
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy! Chris Griffin: The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run! Peter Griffin: 1 million dollars!
Lois Griffin: Brian, that sounded like Peter.
Peter Griffin: Money, money, money! Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying? Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening. Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass. Peter Griffin: Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple!
Speed Racer: Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha!
Man: This is not affecting us all! Haha!
Speed Racer: Haha! Brian Griffin: I`m sorry, I don`t do dog shows, that`s not my thing. Brian Griffin: Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin: What does that say into me? Oh, go
[beep]
Lois Griffin: yourself Diane.
[Brian spits]
Stewie Griffin: She said a swear! Peter Griffin: Look, you got anything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon bun, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] How dare you? How dare you!
Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Were do you think you`re going?
Brian Griffin: [angrily] Out.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you`re not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin: I don`t need your damn leash, and I don`t need you! I`m going for a walk.
[shuts door]
Peter Griffin: Don`t worry. He won`t get far without this.
[shows something strange] Peter Griffin: Even Walt Disney?
[Walt Disney draws Minnie]
Minnie: Do I, do-do I have to?
[crying]
Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don`t you? Then take it off!
[Minnie tooks her dress off while sobbing]
Walt Disney: Yeah, that`s nice. Peter Griffin: Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon buns, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] How dare you? How dare you?
Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you`re going?
Brian Griffin: Out.
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey you`re not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin: I don`t need your damn leash and I don`t need you! I`m going for a walk.
Peter Griffin: Don`t worry. He won`t get far without this.
[holds up spark-plug wires from the car] Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up. Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We`ll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: She`s right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter! John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I`m sensing an `A`. Does your name begin with an `A`?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A `B`?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name`s Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer. Chris Griffin: See, my dad`s smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine`s smarter. Stewie Griffin: [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey...
[pats Peter`s knee]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried! Man: She`s a smoking little pistol, isn`t she?
Peter Griffin: Are you a woman?
Man: No.
[Peter punches him] LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you`re the guy who`s been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I`ll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy`s hat as he`s carried away] Ha! I`ve got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I`m not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you`ve got the song memorized, do you?
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder! Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There`s the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Oh, Chris, you`re my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: [turns to Meg] See?
[shouts]
Chris Griffin: I`m the favorite! [repeated line]
James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy. Peter Griffin: [shouts] Rock lobster! [Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?
[Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you`re just in time for the T&A. Peter Griffin: [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door]
[shouts]
Peter Griffin: I didn`t have my hand down my pants!
Lois Griffin: Good for you. Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I`ll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It`s like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That`ll be $7.22.
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn`t bring any money.
Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn`t have to pay you?
Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...
Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start... Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that
[beep]
Man on TV: camera out of my face!
[smashes the glass of the camera] Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
[leaves] Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That`s it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you`re breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you`re the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin: I quit! Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don`t you see? Fate`s brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she`s in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we`ve now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Glen Quagmire`s Mom: Here now, have milk.
[shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire: All right!
[starts sucking on her breast] Chris Griffin: Hey dad, you didn`t tell us how we got our house back. Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don`t put `Coach` back on the air i`ll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don`t put Coach back on the air, I`ll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Craig T. Nelson: [knocks on the door] Hi, are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yes.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick. Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you`ve saved our lives
[Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy. Brian Griffin: And that`s why I`m leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can`t leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.
[Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait!
[He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin: Hold on a second.
[Stewie spits on Brian`s nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin: Airport please.
[Car runs] Lois Griffin: Peter, you`ve been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.
Peter Griffin: Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don`t want to.
[Everybody walks Peter to take the hat off]
Peter Griffin: Get away! Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I`m really not comfortable talking about this amelodically. Old Man: Thinkin` about the muscly-armed paperboy. Machine: You have 113 new messages
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
[beep]
Old Man: Haven`t seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin` if he ever gonna come back.
[beep]
Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin` about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin` he`d come by and bring me some good news.
[beep]
Old Man: Where are you?
[beep]
Old Man: Ah, you`re starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me. Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin`, Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin` me.
Smurf #2: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That`s freakin` smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin` smurf. Stewie Griffin: I don`t need to $@%# impress you. Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here`s another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let `im kill?
Brian Griffin: That`s, that`s not a riddle. That`s, that`s just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong! It`s the ugly one. Teeth # 1: Okay.
Teeth # 1: One, two...
Stewie Griffin: Ah! Olivia: You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye.
Stewie Griffin: Aha ha ha. Oh, gosh that`s funny. That`s really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I`ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You`re the first. I`ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that`s what she says on the show right? Isn`t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And yet, you have taken that and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that`s so fresh too. Any titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we`re hitting these at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Cause... I`m here. God you`re SO funny. Peter Griffin: Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin: No, I crashed out about an hour ago. Stewie Griffin: [talking to a very old prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you plan to pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up. Peter Griffin: [throwing holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you! Darren (On Bewitiched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch! [Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.
[Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin: You`re not helping! Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now. Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know how to say it! Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy`s arms] Arroo!
Fred: You`re right Scoob, we`re dealing with one sick son of a bitch! Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity! Man: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil: I`d say looks like Cheryl`s gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
[both laugh]
Phil: Come on, I`m buyin Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director: You think he`s on to us, Christof?
Christof: No, he`s an idiot. Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama`s skin`s so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren`t you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that`s enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy`s bra? Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk? Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you`re in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland: Fooled you!
[all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson: It`s the new police surveillance van. We`re going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Cleveland: What?
Joe Swanson: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, man!
Peter Griffin: Fooled you!
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: Come on. Let`s go drink till we can`t feel feelings any more. [watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five. Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn`t leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that`s enough.
Peter Griffin: Eats babies.
[crowd applauds] Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He`s the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin: I couldn`t have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe`s ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It`s a ladder. He can`t use it. That`s like taking a watch off a dead guy. [Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canes, and that secret is...
Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano: Damn it, Julie, I`m a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider: Oh, I`ll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I`ll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I`ll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one`s kind of self-explanatory.
[Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out] [Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin: [evil laughter] I`ve done it!
[lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it! Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can`t you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I`m never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I`ve seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter`s first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don`t have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that`s okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you`re hungry? `Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world. Woman on Tape: We`re going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you`ve been doing here, and I`m very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don`t turn back into you until I`m finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should`ve told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it`s okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should`ve told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin: You should`ve told me.
[rewinds] George: [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help!
[he falls]
George: Jane!
[he falls again]
George: Stop this crazy thing!
[he falls again]
George: Ahh!
[falls]
George: Help!
[falls] Lois Griffin: Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin: What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn`t your growth, that`s your penis.
Peter Griffin: What about the...
Doctor: Testicles. Peter Griffin: [Brian shows him the Star Wars glass] Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian Griffin: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba`s palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you`re not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter Griffin: [tears break out] That`s not true! That`s impossible! Damn it, Peter, snap out of it. No!
[glass starts to crack] Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn`t what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let`s see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right!
[looks offscreen]
Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her. Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn`t need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
[laughs]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that`s right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here`s another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you`re talking to them.
[everybody laughs]
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That`s what they`re for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you`ll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you got something to look at while you`re talking to them
[she`s shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you`re talking to them
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed? Peter Griffin: Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians.
[blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks. Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox: I can`t imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois Griffin: You... bitch! Brian Griffin: [laughing]
Ms. Romano: Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider: Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin: Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say? Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious! Brian Griffin: I`m not drunk! I just have speech impediment...
[vomits]
Brian Griffin: and a stomach virus...
[falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin: and an inner ear infection. Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back? Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It`s the fabric, It`s the fabric. Let`s get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland`s shirt and pants]
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I`m naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you`re self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin: See, now you`re not alone.
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: It`s your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food. [Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can`t believe that this guy`s just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right. Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy`s still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he`s dead. Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina: [on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they`re using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
[no laughter]
Talking Vagina: Okay, that one wasn`t so fresh, but you knoooow... Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you`re cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty! Lois Griffin: I feel like I`ve had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I`m just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual. Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity. Peter Griffin: Hey, let`s play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
[everyone drinks]
Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland`s wife.
[Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
[Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
[Quagmire drinks]
Glen Quagmire: [he passes out]
Joe Swanson: Boy, he`s out cold.
Peter Griffin: Let`s write on him! [Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I`ll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I`ve escaped from Kevin Spacey`s basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small. Peter Griffin: [posing as Britney Spears] How about a kiss, Justin?
Justin Timberlake: Uh, sure, Britney.
[they kiss, and Peter transforms]
Justin Timberlake: Aaahh!
Peter Griffin: He, he, he, he! I`m Gene Shalit now. Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We`re here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how! Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don`t quiet down we`re not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris and Meg: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don`t worry, kids, we`re going to McDonalds.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can`t supersize!
Chris Griffin: But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don`t get to blow on it! Peter Griffin: Hi. I`m in the other room and I`m trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy: Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin: What the hell`s your problem?
cheese guy: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack. Guy Handing Out Coupons: [to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken] Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, thank you, I don`t trust giant chickens any more.
[goes to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier: [looks at coupon] Oh, I`m sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at chicken outside] Son of a -
[jumps out window and tackles the chicken]
Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don`t know.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: Tom!
[quickly hides his head down beneath his newspaper, he then looks up]
Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don`t know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!
[looks down]
Brian Griffin: No, it`s not him. Peter Griffin: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read `em and weep!
Brian Griffin: Um, Peter, according to this, you`re not a genius. In fact... you`re mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin: Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin: ...Uh oh.
[a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house]
Drunk Driver: Congratulations! Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a `good boy?` Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be...”nice." Lois Griffin: Brian, you`re not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it`s a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: Doesn`t get much gayer than this. Jaws: Hey. I`m gonna eat `cha. I`m gonna eat that hairy leg. I`m gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That`s OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
[eats the swimmers]
Jaws: . Yummy. Stewie Griffin: Well, all`s well that ends well, eh Brian?
Brian Griffin: You shot me in both legs and lit me on fire
Stewie Griffin: Oh c`mon! Well I guess you`re right. Alright, I`ll tell you what: you can take one free hit, okay?
Brian Griffin: Okay. But I`m not going to tell you when I`m going to take it.
Stewie Griffin: [scared, after a pause] What? [Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh! Cleveland: [as Mr. T]
[shouts]
Cleveland: I pity the fool!
[normal voice]
Cleveland: But I also suggest ways that he may better himself. Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don`t say doin` your wife, don`t say doin` your wife...
[out loud]
Peter Griffin: Doin` your, er...
[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin: ... son?
[interviewer`s shocked expression] Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy. Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that`s why we`re on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we`re gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly] Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I`m gay?
Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don`t want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck? Cleveland: [seven hookers are sitting in Cleveland`s living room] Okay Peter, that`s it. You and five of those hookers get out! Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Nah, I`m just jackin` ya, you`ll all rot in the ground.
[children look horrified] Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we`re due at Joe and Bonnie`s for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can`t we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I`m not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I`ll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated? Chris Griffin: I just want peace on Earth. That`s better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her. Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what`s going on? You ever get freaky with that thing? Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I`m married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What`s the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [inside Lois` head] I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor. I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, I`m a tumor, oh-oh, I`m a tumor! Brian Griffin: I don`t know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin: Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I`d have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It`s made slaves of you all! I`ve seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people`s doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!
[runs to toilet]
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] You get a job! [about Jessica Alba]
Don LaFontaine: If I were forty years younger I would plow that until next July. Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I`m the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald`s with a bag full of burgers. You know it`s funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here`s where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I`m missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer`s mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup. Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker`s room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you`re going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There`s a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter`s clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I`m handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can`t possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker: that`s *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there`s your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out. Brian Griffin: All right, if you`re serious about this, I`ll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it ok first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won`t even know we`re gone! -Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends. Tom Tucker: And now, here`s Ollie Williams, with the Black Weather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams: IT`S GON` RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where`s everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie`s taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspond: Tricia Takanawa`s special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I`m about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he`s in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentiality dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it`s okay. That breeze feels good. It`s so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That`s better.
Brian Griffin: I-I`d take my sweater off but I`m afraid it`s attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner. Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hi ya, Joe.
Joe Swanson: Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, don`t get up.
Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn`t like me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
[laughs]
Joe Swanson: Oh, I`m so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin: [moans] Are you kidding? You could barrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don`t have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson: I don`t want to impose.
Peter Griffin: No problem, that`s what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor`s company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement.
[Peter`s face transforms into Mickey Mouse]
Peter Griffin: [in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho! Prince Adam: [draws Sword of Power]
[shouts]
Prince Adam: I have the power!
[becomes He-Man] Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I`m home!
[she looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We`re the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you`re not! You`re Tom Arnold! And you`re Fran Drescher, and you`re the fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you`re the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who`s leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Franescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn`t drink at the stag party.
[nasally laugh]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible, with the laughingstock in the town, and we lost our daughter! Brian Griffin: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You`ve got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I`m talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money. Lois Griffin: Peter. You`re bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c`mon, Lois, isn`t "bribe" just another word for "love"? Stewie Griffin: [to ticket agent] Now listen to me...
[looks at agent`s name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I`ve got an army to raise and I must get to Manangua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal with no pickles. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES! [riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change. Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he`s a crapple. Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don`t join the party, they come get you. Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you`ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb. Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn`t drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one. Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don`t want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you`ve been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don`t. Secondly, Quagmire`s a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson: [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues] Crackle: Those freakin` elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop: You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle: You saved mine.
Crackle: [as he lifts his beer in a toast] Here`s to Snap!
Pop: [they clink glasses] To Snap! Peter Griffin: [is reading very loudly while intoxicated] Aw, don`t be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.
[he sees a cop]
Peter Griffin: Aww, crap.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin: [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading] The-life-of-a-silver-smith`s-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...
[crashes into a bookshelf] Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don`t have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn`t "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don`t ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We! Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You`re not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I`m shoving them up my butt. Of course I`m eating them. Adam West: [after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey`s "Don`t Stop Believing"] I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin` stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you`ve got that makeover you`ve developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven`t noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous. Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It`s three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell`s going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I`m just saying, she`s a woman. I`m proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that`s very hot and I`ll deal with it in the morning but right now I`m exhausted. Stewie Griffin: You know, it`s dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
[hops on Brian`s back]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin: I don`t believe this.
Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail! Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You`re to heavy! I can`t hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I`m your child
[her grip starts to slip]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg! Stewie Griffin: [Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face] Well, I say, look at you there. You`re a filthy girl, aren`t you? Yes. You`re looking for a bad time. That`s what you`re after. You`re a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don`t care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn`t it? Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.
[hands him plastic bags]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I`m going to do it!
[tries to put it over his head but it doesn`t fit]
Stewie Griffin: That`s right I`m going to do it!
[tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn`t fit]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you`re Wonder Woman. Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything`s big, everything`s grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
[Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL] Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there`s nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that`s sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn`t you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They`ve done it there, too. [Peter calls in sick to work]
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can`t come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
[Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas. Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin: That`s Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.
[pauses]
Brian Griffin: [shouts] Wait a minute! Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg`s slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I`m going to do? I... I... I`m going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It`s all this mindless chattering is what it is!
[he leaves]
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts? Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car. Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I`m gay?
Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don`t want more sea men on your poop deck? [live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It`s rainin` sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don`t you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky! [during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I`m not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don`t worry. We can always throw that chair out. Lois Griffin: [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep. Lana Lockhart: It`s good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let`s make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you. Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability. [to Brian]
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin` on that novel you`re working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you`re working on there? Your big novel you`ve been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off. Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it`s an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn`t talking about the show. Ooooh I`m nasty!
[makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea! Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker`s face on TV and she looks like a foot. Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m`lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips! FCC officer: [at a urinal] Two shakes, that`s the limit.
Adam West: Why thank you, tinkle fairy. Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we`re not.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We`re there!
Chris Griffin: Liar! Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
[a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter`s final word]
Peter Griffin: What? I can`t say
[horn]
Peter Griffin: in my own
[horn]
Peter Griffin: house!
[horn]
Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
[horn]
Peter Griffin: great! You know, you`re lucky you`re good at
[horn]
Peter Griffin: my
[horn]
Peter Griffin: or I`d never put up with you. You know what I`m talking about, when you
[horn]
Peter Griffin: a lubed up
[horn]
Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
[horn]
Peter Griffin: while you
[horn]
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
[horn]
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
[horn]
Peter Griffin: extension cord
[horn]
Peter Griffin: wetness
[horn]
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best. Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me.
[takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets]
Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus. Stewie Griffin: [after making Brian smell his armpit] Tell me that`s not Epic! Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Diane`s weight. Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Watch me shave. Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
[Peter trips over a skateboard] Glen Quagmire: Hey, Lois, wanna go out?
Lois Griffin: Oh, Glen, I don`t know if I`m ready yet...
[Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock]
Glen Quagmire: Are you ready now? Peter Griffin: All right, I`ll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it`s like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it`s gonna happen. Stewie Griffin: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile. Brian Griffin: Cut. Print. Gay. Stewie Griffin: [trying to get Brian`s attention] Look, I`m writing profanity on the walls!
[Stewie has written "poppycock"] Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can`t hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you`re my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there`s no way to console me Wah! Maybe I`m teething, Maybe I`m hungry, who knows? I`m a baby! Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
[Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label`s excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
Agent: Who?
[Courtney Love looks down and grimaces] Police Scanner: We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.
Brian Griffin: Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier? Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg! Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don`t change the- is it a kind of cake? Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank. Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right. Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!
[Stewie shoots Lois] Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.Trivia The characters of Peter and Brian are very similar to Larry and Steve from the shorts The Life of Larry (1995) and Larry & Steve (1996), which feature a moronic man who adopts a talking dog and puts the dog through hell, and were both written and directed by Seth MacFarlane
Before Seth MacFarlane created the idea of a regular half-hour series, he conceived of the Griffin family appearing as characters in animated shorts to appear on "MADtv" (1995). Many of the regular voice actors (including Alex Borstein, Phil LaMarr, Debra Wilson and Nicole Sullivan) are Mad TV alumni. Alex Borstein was the first cast on this show and is the only "official" cast member as the voice of Lois Griffin.
#
# "Quahog," the name of the Griffin`s hometown, is also the name of an edible clam. The bar the characters frequently visit, "The Drunken Clam", is a reference to this. Brian`s voice is simply Seth MacFarlane speaking normally. Seth MacFarlane based the voice of Peter Grifffin on a security guard he knew while going to college. # A gag was animated for an episode that involved "The Newlywed Game", featuring the biblical figures Mary and Joseph (the human parents of Jesus Christ). Bob Eubanks actually came in and did the voice of his character for the gag, but quickly pulled out after realizing the nature of the joke (he had just finished work on a "Christian Workout Video").
Stewie`s voice is based on Rex Harrison. The original idea for titles of episodes were supposed to be based on 1940s Mystery Radio shows. This is why the first few episodes have some sort of reference to death in them. Eventually the writers of the show had to start describing the episodes to one another (rather than simply using the titles), so that idea was dropped. Lois was originally drawn as a blonde. After much debate, the creators decided to make her hair red. Glen Quagmire drives a `57 Chevy Bel Air convertible. #
# Believing the series to be cancelled after season 2, many of the writers took on other jobs for different shows. The show was renewed for a third season at the last minute; many new writers were used for the new series. The first part of the opening credits, where Lois plays the piano and sings with Peter, is a spoof of Edith playing the piano and singing with Archie during the opening credits of "All in the Family" (1971) By 2 May 2003, there was an online petition with over 111,000 names on it, to save the show. When the series was first pitched to Fox, William H. Macy had auditioned for the role of Brian. The boy with the upside-down face, newscaster Tom Tucker`s son, is named Jake. Bonnie Swanson would seemingly be pregnant throughout the entire series. Peter even mentions in Season 4, Episode 3, "Bonnie, you`ve been pregnant for like six years, alright? Either have the baby or don`t." She finally gave birth to a girl, Susie, in Season 7, Episode 7. Stewie`s full name is Stewart Gilligan Griffin.
The opening of the PTV episode, including the beating up of terrorists in the middle east, and Stewie riding his trike through the city, is a parody of the Naked Gun series of films.
Chris`s middle name is "Cross". Peter`s middle name is Lowenbrau. #
# Seth Green reveals in the commentary on _Family Guy Presents: Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story (2005) (V)_ that the voice of Chris is based on Ted Levine`s performance as Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs (1991). The character of Neil Goldman, the boy who perennially chases Meg, is named after one of the show`s writers. Meg goes to James Woods Memorial High School, and Chris goes to Buddy Cianci Junior High in fictional Quahog, RI. James Woods is from Warwick, RI, and Vincent "Buddy" Cianci, Jr. is the former mayor of Providence, RI. Peter graduated from James Garner High School.
The Griffin`s live at 31 Spooner Street, Quahog, Rhode Island. The character of Herbert (the old man with a crush on Chris who lives on Spooner Street) only appeared in one episode, "To Live and Die in Dixie," before the show was canceled in 2002. In the three years that followed, he became such a popular character among fans that he has made frequent guest appearances since the show began airing new episodes in 2005.
Ranked #12 in TV Guide`s list of the "25 Top Cult Shows Ever!" (30 May 2004 issue). #
# Brought back an unprecedented second time after its amazing DVD sales (record for best selling TV show on DVD), and its popularity on Cartoon Network`s Adult Swim, which a few times had a higher Nielsen rating than broadcast television at that time slot.
In "The Story on Page One", the cover of the TV Guide featuring the likeness of `Luke Perry` says in the bottom right corner, "If you can read this Family Guy is on the air". The gag reflects on the ever-uncertain airing of the show by Fox due to its content each week, and the writers in the second season often thought they would lose their jobs any day while in production. Was voted No. 5 in a British TV poll to find the "100 Greatest Cartoons". According to the British TV programme The 100 Greatest Cartoons (2005) (TV), Seth MacFarlane`s favorite Family Guy moment is the scene from "Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999) where Peter is feeding Tom Selleck. The show has been canceled twice, once following the second season, which caused the show to not air a new episode for a year, and the second (and longest) being between the third and fourth seasons, from 2002 to 2005. This series is banned in Indonesia, Taiwan, Vietnam, Iran, South Korea, South Africa, and Malaysia.
In the early seasons in the opening credits, the pictures on the wall of Chris, Meg and Stewie, in the background, have blurred faces. Later on however, their faces appear normally. WILHELM SCREAM: In "No Chris Left Behind," when the biplane pilot is flung out of his seat by Peter and the Chicken during their fight. Glen Quagmire`s facial features are modeled after Bob Hope. Stewie`s e-mail address is loismustdie@yahoo.com Peter`s drink of choice is Pawtucket Patriot Ale. All of the high end hotels seen on the show have Barrington in their name. Series creator Seth MacFarlane has stated they are named after the city of Barrington, Rhode Island, a very upscale community. Brian drives a Toyota Prius. The big chicken that always fights Peter is named Ernie. Every episode includes at least one instance of one character saying "What the hell..." to another. | ||
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