If at first you don`t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There`s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

My illness is due to my doctor`s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I`m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I like children - fried.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I`ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven`t had a cold in years.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

On Chaplin: "He`s the best ballet dancer in the World."

(About comedian Bert Williams) "He was the funniest man I ever saw, and the saddest man I ever knew."

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn`t like to own one.

I remember Shakespeare`s words because he was a great writer. I can`t remember Hollywood lines; just as I may well recall a wonderful meal at Delmonico`s many years ago, but not the contents of the garbage pail last Tuesday at Joe`s Fountain Grill.

Start every day with a smile, and get it over with.

The only thing a lawyer won`t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

(looking back on his life) "You know, I`d like to see how I would`ve made out without liquor."

Children should neither be seen nor heard from...ever again.

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

If at first you don`t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.

What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I like, in an audience, the fellow who roars continuously at the troubles of the character I am portraying on the stage, but he probably has a mean streak in him and, if I needed ten dollars, he`d be the last person I`d call upon. I`d go first to the old lady and old gentleman back in Row S who keep wondering what there is to laugh at.

Wouldn`t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?

(When asked whether he liked children) "Ah yes...boiled or fried."

When asked what he would like his epitaph to read: "on the whole, I`d rather be in Philadelphia"

When asked why he never drank water: "I`m afraid it will become habit-forming."

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

`Twas a woman drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.