Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

I have a huge crush on [President George W. Bush]. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

[interview with Edgar Arce, 2004] Well it`s been a few years now and I`ve done some crazy stuff, you know . . . but I reconnected with what made me famous, with that show and that family, and I went back to my stand-up where I can be myself completely.

I hate the word housewife; I don`t like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.

Birth control that really works: Every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

There isn`t any `New Man.` The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

I`m only upset that I`m not a widow. [On her ex-husband Tom Arnold]

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.

[from an ad she took out in "The Hollywood Reporter"] This town is a back-stabbing, scum-sucking, small-minded town, but thanks for the money.

A good man doesn`t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut.

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

Women are cursed and men are the proof.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.