Look, I don`t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you`re alive you`ve got to flap your arms and legs, you`ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you`re not alive.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

You`re young forever when you write. Alfred Hitchcock directed until the day he died. As long as you don`t have any dementia or Alzheimer`s, if you have your All-Bran every day and clear yourself out, I think your brains are gonna be all right.

That`s it baby, when you got it, flaunt it.

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we`re gonna be dizzy and we`re gonna make mistakes. quoted in Woman`s World (3-22-05 issue)

Good taste is the enemy of comedy.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

On Zero Mostel: "He could be wicked and cruel, and he could be almost sweet, loving, kind, generous. The great thing about Zero was that he was uniquely gifted. He was really, truly talented, more talented than any actor except for Sid Caesar that I have ever worked with."

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

On his late Blazing Saddles (1974) star, Cleavon Little: "My rule was not to eat with actors, but I enjoyed him so much that I begged him to eat with me."

[on Anne Bancroft] I`m married to a beautiful and talented woman who can lift your spirits just by looking at you.

[on Woody Allen] Woody Allen is a genius. His films are wonderful.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I`m the only Jew who ever made a buck offa `Hitler`!

Oh, I`m not a true genius. I`m a near genius. I would say I`m a short genius. I`d rather be tall and normal than a short genius.

Critics can`t even make music by rubbing their back legs together.

My movies rise below vulgarity.

I cut my finger. That`s tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That`s comedy.

"Why should I indulge myself and do a David Lean-ish kind of film? I could do my little Jewish Brief Encounter (1945) and disguise it - shorten the noses. But it wouldn`t be as much fun as delivering my dish of insanity".