GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry`s wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who — as we all know — before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that`s really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of `so we dropped bombs on everyone.`

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that`s really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change… I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

I don`t know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn`t. It`s like the way free speech doesn`t apply at work. You can`t just walk into your boss` office and say `you`re a fuckface and I`m gonna go back to work now.` No, you`re not.

We`d always sworn, we`re taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You`re meat.

Why can`t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who`d you call a faggot?"

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don`t… you know, it`s interesting. I think we don`t make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don`t have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation`s terror alert to periwinkle.

We don`t consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that`s not - you know, that`s the beauty of fake journalism. We don`t have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here`s what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he`ll just -- the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he`s been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, `You know we`re all going to die, right?` You`re going to die unless I`m in charge.`

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking...humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we`re competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We`re about even.

I`ve always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

[on the role of "The Daily Show" (1996)]: When we spot silliness, we say so out loud. We`re not really Democrat or Republican. We`re out to stop that political trend of repeating things again and again until people are forced to believe them.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, `When I`m president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, `Dude.`

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

If you watch the news and don`t like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I`m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time`s a charm.

I`ve been to Canada, and I`ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn`t even know they had.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they`re going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

I see myself as a driving force for global peace. Since we ["The Daily Show" (1996)] have been on CNNI [CNN International], the border between India and Pakistan has been stood down from red alert. Coincidence? We`re bringing healing to the international community. [March, 2003].

[of his position at "The Daily Show" (1996)]: I mostly work on writing the show. We have a talented crew of writers and I`m like the managing editor. I am the fake Lou Grant of the fake news world. [February 2003].

I`m too short to host a late-night talk show. It`s like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

[on the attitude of "The Daily Show" (1996), referring to a role played by Dan Aykroyd on "Saturday Night Live" (1975), September 30, 2002]: We have always embraced stupidity. We have always worshipped at the altar of a man bent over with his butt crack exposed, fixing a refrigerator.

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I`m in show business it`s considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic. [January, 2003].

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There`s just one problem - it`s in North Korea.

[about "The Daily Show" (1996)]: That`s the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We`re sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy`s heart stops, and you`re the one who has to fix it!

The seven marvels that best represent man`s achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern`s Private Parts to come in No. 1.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a `Peanuts` character.

[on being picked to host the 78th Annual Academy Awards]: As a performer, I`m truly honored to be hosting the show. Although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can`t help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal.

[on Tucker Carlson and his show]: You may have heard that I went onto a TV show on CNN called "Crossfire" (1982), which I suppose is a debate show named after the stray bullets that strike and kill innocent bystanders during a gang fight. I said some pretty nasty things, most notably that their show was destroying America, and that he was a dick. He replied to me by saying, "You`re not being funny." I then said, "I know that, but on Monday I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."

Here`s the point - you`re looking at affirmative action, and you`re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who`s gonna wanna work?

McVeigh`s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I`m not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I can be in 20 movies. But I`ll never be an actor.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

[on why he loves "The Daily Show" (1996)]: It saves me from sitting at home in my underwear screaming at the television set. If I didn`t do this show I`d be the crazy guy at the bar sitting at the corner screaming "He doesn`t know shit about what he`s talking about!" That`s the reason I do it. [January, 2003].

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963. [7 Nov. 2002].

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

If the evens of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it`s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can`t take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

[on his role in "The Daily Show" (1996)]: Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. [March 2003].