[looking back on more than 60 years in show business] I was about as discreet as a ... bull taking a piss in your living room.

I think I really wanted to write my biography more to be able to mention that [John F. Kennedy] and I were friends than anything else.

Going unnoticed has never been my strong suit.

Other comedy teams never generated anything like the hysteria that [Dean Martin] and I did, and that was because we had that X factor--the powerful feeling between us. And it really was an X factor, a kind of mystery.

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again!

[2000] I don`t like any female comedians. Seeing a woman in comedy sets me back a bit . . . I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies into the world.

I`m a multi-faceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. I have an IQ of 190 -- that`s supposed to be a genius. People don`t like that. My answer to all my critics is simple: I like me. I like what I`ve become. I`m proud of what I`ve achieved, and I don`t really believe I`ve scratched the surface yet.

The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, `Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

My door is always open to any member who wishes to build consensus on reducing unnecessary spending. My preference is to consider any proposal in a thoughtful, deliberate manner rather than reading about it in the newspaper.

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands

A woman doing comedy doesn`t offend me, but sets me back a bit, ... I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

(Jerry Lewis announced Thursday that his annual Labor Day Telethon benefiting the Muscular Dystrophy Association will also reach out and solicit funds for Katrina relief efforts) While the needs of `my kids` are with us all year round, Hurricane Katrina is a national disaster on a scale that`s difficult to comprehend, ... We simply couldn`t ignore the need to help. We already have the infrastructure in place.

had a box of Kleenex and I`m bawling like a child and I`m not believing it, ... If I had the slightest chance of helping them a little, how do you not? ... These people are in trouble now.

I`m overjoyed we were able to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina and at the same time continue our 40-year tradition of helping my kids.

We simply couldn`t ignore the need to help. We already have the infrastructure in place

(In regards to his telethon) Of course, I`m not surprised. The American people have never let me down.

The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television and you`re going to have very, very fine, natural children.

The human needs in the Gulf region are all too apparent.

It will take nothing less than a domestic Marshall Plan to rebuild our roads and utilities and homes and businesses

We`re all getting diabetes from her cookies.

We`re leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth ... or couldn`t get better jobs in the first place.

When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.

I spent a half-million dollars just traveling, doing, trying [and] bringing doctors to me

That`s a relationship we need to formalize, ... We would be absolutely foolish not to examine carefully the lessons learned, and there`s an awful lot that we`ll learn.

Although, when you have a charity that`s dealing with life and death today ... something that`s really imminent, it`s tough to tell other people what to do.

: If a chick turned me down years ago, I said, There`s another few outside, don`t worry about it. I can`t take no when I know children and victims are standing around waiting for someone to help them

For the work I`ve done, I`ve been accused of being so selfless, but I have to correct that: I`m probably the most selfish man you`ll ever meet in life, because no one gets the satisfaction or joy that I get in seeing kids realize there is hope

Martin is the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life.

When I sit back and think a little more rationally, I realize my life is half, so I must learn to do things halfway. I just have to learn to try to be good at being a half a person ... and get on with my life.

Pity? You don`t want to be pitied because you`re a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.

I`ve had great success being a total idiot.

When I was a kid I said to my Father one afternoon, Will you take me to the zoo? He answered, If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.

There is no gap between comedy and tragedy.

We`re leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn`t get better jobs in the first place.

The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television and you`re going to have very, very fine, natural children.

When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.

I`ve had great success being a total idiot.

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.

I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.

Pity? You don`t want to be pitied because you`re a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!

Every man`s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

A woman doing comedy doesn`t offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.