Humor is reason gone mad.

Politics doesn`t make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Wives are people who feel they don`t dance enough

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I`m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it`s not raining.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

[on Margaret Dumont] She was a wonderful woman. She was the same off the stage as she was on it -- always the stuffy, dignified matron. And the funny thing about her was she never understood the jokes. At the end of Duck Soup (1933) Margaret says to me, "What are you doing. Rufus?". And I say, "I am fighting for your honor, which is more than you ever did." Later she asked me what I meant by that.

I don`t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They`re upstairs in my socks.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

I never forget a face, but in your case I`ll be glad to make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is man`s best friend. Inside of a dog it`s too dark to read.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON`T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

It isn`t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Those are my principles, and if you don`t like them... well, I have others.

She got her looks from her father. He`s a plastic surgeon.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I`d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I`ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn`t it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

[On Charles Chaplin]: The greatest compliment I ever got was from Chaplin. He came up to me and said `I wish I could talk like you on the screen.` I said `I think you`re doing alright.` He had made $50 million by that point. He was the best comedian we ever had.

Jerry Lewis hasn`t made me laugh since he left Dean Martin.

[on Bob Hope] Hope? Hope is not a comedian. He just translates what others write for him.

I`d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

He [Groucho`s father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you`d realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn`t believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he`d make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other.

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

[ater viewing Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature] Well, there`s just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man`s tits are bigger than the leading lady`s.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Wives are people who feel that they don`t dance enough.

She got her good looks from her father--he`s a plastic surgeon.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

[asked in 1975 if he`d seen any recent movies] "I saw Jaws (1975). But I think it would have been funnier if a guppy had swallowed the boat instead of a shark."

Why should I care about posterity? What`s posterity ever done for me?

People are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

When I heard about [the Broadway play] "Hair", I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 apiece. That`s an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, `This isn`t worth $11`.

[in the late 1960s, on how it felt to be an elder statesman of comedy] Like an old jerk.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

The only game I like to play is Old Maid...provided she`s not TOO old.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Politics doesn`t make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

There`s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says "Yes", you know he is crooked.

I drink to make other people interesting.

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

You`re only as young as the woman you feel.

Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around 20. Minnie insisted we were 13. "That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar", the conductor told her. A"And another one is in the washroom shaving". Minnie shook her head sadly. "They grow so fast . . . "

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I`d make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers` organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don`t know if that`s true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

While shooting elephants in Africa, I found the tusks very difficult to remove. But in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa...

What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you`re short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that`s just the kind of girl I crave!

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man`s best friend. Inside of a dog, it`s too dark to read.

[when told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews] My son is half-Jewish; can he wade in up to his knees?

I don`t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.