My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She`s ninety-seven now, and we don`t know where the hell she is.

People always ask me, `Were you funny as a child?` Well, no, I was an accountant.

I`m a godmother, that`s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that`s cute, I taught her that.

I don`t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there`s morning sickness. If I`m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can`t imagine that there`s not some kind of design to it all. There`s got to be something big that we don`t understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That`s my faith. (Redbook, January 2006)

Every morning, I would come down to the kitchen and I would see myself making coffee and I would think `oh, she`s pretty`. (on what life would be like with an identical twin)

I just like observing people-it`s something I`ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That`s a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. (Redbook, January 2006)

There`s two things I`ve always wanted to do in my life. One is to host the Oscars. The second is to get a call from Laura Ziskin. You can imagine that day`s diary entry. - After receiving a call from Ziskin, producer of the 2007 Oscars, requesting that Ellen host.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn`t say, thank God I have gas.

People always ask me `Were you funny as a child?` Well, I was an accountant.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they`re just, like, `I can`t believe you don`t remember me!" I`m like, `Oh Dad I`m sorry!`

You have to have funny faces and words, you can`t just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that`s why it`s hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it`s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

I`m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I`m looking out of my third eye and everything that I`m supposed to be doing. It`s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. `Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama`s got the magic of Clorox 2.`

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it`s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She`s ninety-seven now, and we don`t know where the hell she is.

I`d like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I`ve tried to meditate, but it`s really hard for me to stay still. I`d like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can`t shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key. (Redbook, January 2006)

Procrastination isn`t the problem, it`s the solution. So procrastinate now, don`t put it off.

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn`t sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn`t right. Two days later I sneezed.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That`s where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals. - during her interview on "20/20" (1978).

Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.

Really, he called me that? Ellen Degenerate? I`ve been getting that since the fourth grade. I guess I`m happy I could give him work. [When told in an interview that, after she revealed her homosexuality, Jerry Falwell called her `Ellen Degenerate`.]

They say you just stand over there, he`ll say thank you and you walk back off and that`s what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It`s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

For me, it`s that I contributed, ... That I`m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That`s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

I don`t understand the sizes anymore. There`s a size zero, which I didn`t even know that they had. It must stand for: `Ohhh my God, you`re thin.`

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I`ve been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I`m happy I could give him work.

On her love scene with Bill Pullman in Mr. Wrong (1996): "It`s a combination of Something Wild (1986), After Hours (1985) and Mary Poppins (1964)....if Mary Poppins were naked."

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, `Let there be light!` And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

On hosting the Emmys after the 9/11 tragedy (November 4, 2001): "We`re told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?"

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you`re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It`s been about two months since I`ve worked out. And I just don`t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

Sometimes you can`t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

The `60s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And, I don`t think it`s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then like The Flying Nun" (1967).

You say you`re sick and tired of hearing about me? I`ve got news for you: I`M sick and tired of hearing about me.

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren`t any space aliens. We can`t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we`re not all there is. If so, we`re in big trouble.

You ask people why they have deer heads on the wall. They always say, Because it`s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother`s attractive, but I have photographs of her.