If you drink don`t drive. Don`t even putt.

If you drink, don`t drive. Don`t even putt.

[on Jerry Lewis] At some point he said to himself, "I`m extraordinary, like Charles Chaplin." From then on nobody could tell him anything. He knew it all.

[on Frank Sinatra] When he dies, they`re giving his zipper to the Smithsonian.

[on singer Eddie Fisher] The reason I drink is because when I`m sober I think I`m Eddie Fisher.

"Someone else, would have laid around, feeling sorry for himself, for a year. But Duke, he just doesn`t know, how to be sick ... he`s recuperating the hard way. He`s two loud speaking guys in one. Me, when people see me, they sometimes say, `Oh, there goes Perry Como.` But there`s only one `John Wayne`, and nobody makes any mistakes about that." - On The Sons of Katie Elder (1965)

"Motivation is a lotta crap."

"I can`t stand an actor or actress who tells me acting is hard work. It`s easy work. Anyone who says it isn`t never had to stand on his feet all day dealing blackjack."

"I`d hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that`s as good as you`re going to feel all day."

On his tee-total friend Pat Boone: "I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!"

On James Stewart: There`s a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.

On Frank Sinatra: In high school, Frank never participated in extra-curricular activities, like nature study, paintings or ceramics. Frank`s hobby was a most interesting one: he was an amateur gynecologist.

On Phyllis Diller: Phyllis is the women of about whom Picasso once said, "Somebody throw a drop cloth over that."

On Joey Bishop: Most people think of Joey Bishop as just a replacement for Johnny Carson. That`s NOT true. We in show business know better: we don`t think of him at ALL.

Upon filing for divorce from his second wife: "I know it`s the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I`m no gentleman."

To those who felt he joked his way through songs during concert and nightclub appearences: "You wanna hear it straight, buy the album."

"I`ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are `hello,` `goodbye,` and `I`m pregnant."

"If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let `em. That`s how I got here, you know."