The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney`s friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said `Yes.`

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn`t eligible for another fifteen years.

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he`d like to help, but he`s pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: `Duh.`

Tom Cruise`s attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin`s attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn`t changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he`s started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn`t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California`s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it`s 22 years later, and they still haven`t lost their virginity.

Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, `Whatever you do, don`t tell Geraldo.`

Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

During last night`s debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

I`ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage. If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, `That guy is worthless! He`s sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.` It`s a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy."

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you`re drunk.

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That`s right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer`s, Parkinson`s, and whatever it is I have.

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn`t in their neighborhood.

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

Fish recognize a bad leader.

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don`t know what they`re doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber` union.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, `Jesus! This cup is expensive!`

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say `Why didn`t you do that when you were on television?`

President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn`t that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, `It`s not so bad.`