I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

I don`t feel old. I don`t feel anything till noon. That`s when it`s time for my nap.

If you watch a game, it`s fun. If you play it, it`s recreation. If you work at it, it`s golf.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I don`t generally feel anything until noon; then it`s time for my nap.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don`t need it.

I don`t know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that`s why we have two parties.

If you watch a game, it`s fun. If you play at it, it`s recreation. If you work at it, it`s golf.

[on MGM chief Louis B. Mayer] Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.

[on Jack Benny] He didn`t just stand on the stage. He owned it.

[when asked why he didn`t run for President of the United States] I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn`t want to move into a smaller house.

[on Dorothy Lamour] Dottie was fearless. She stands there before the camera and ad libs with Bing Crosby and me, fully knowing the way the script`s written, she`ll come up second or third best.

[on Bing Crosby] A lot of people think that Bing was a loner, but Bing was a very loyal friend.

[on Katharine Hepburn] This dame is terrific -- and expert in her craft and so electrifying on set that if you don`t watch out, you`re likely to wind up as part of the scenery.

[on Jane Russell] Don`t let her fool you. Tangle with her and she`ll shingle your attic.

I do benefits for ALL religions. I`d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

[referring to both the film release of "Mommie Dearest" (Mommie Dearest (1981)), the biography of Joan Crawford written by her daughter Christina Crawford, and the equally scathing book about Bette Davis, written by her daughter] Now I know why tigers eat their young.

[on Vincent Price] He always loved a good joke. Moreover, he was kind enough to laugh at jokes that weren`t so good.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn`t have visited Vietnam, I`d have sent for it.

[In reference to Macaulay Culkin] I remember when they handed out the Oscars in 1927; I was Home Alone, too!

[At the Academy Awards] To all you losers, remember there`s a bright side to all of this: you can still run for Governor.

[1991] Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927.

[referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Welcome to "You Bet Your Career."

[At the Academy Awards] We`re all here to celebrate Oscar -- or as he`s known at my house, The Fugitive!

[referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

Welcome to the Academy Awards -- or as it`s known at my house, Passover.

Bing Crosby and I weren`t the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There`s nothing I wouldn`t do for Bing, and there`s nothing he wouldn`t do for me. And that`s the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!"

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

[When asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried] Surprise me.

[at the height of the Cold War] We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

[On his 100th birthday] I`m so old, they`ve canceled my blood type.

You know you`re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

[on being told he was being awarded an honorary knighthood] What an honor and what a surprise for a boy born in England, raised in Cleveland and schooled in vaudeville.