Quotes
 Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with
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Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
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When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day
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I do this real moron thing, it`s called thinking, and I`m not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.
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The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
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Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn`t mean the circus has left town.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where`s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it`s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it`s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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I think it`s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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It`s never just a game when you`re winning.
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don`t have as many people who believe it.
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[March 1997] We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there`s a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit.
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I think it`s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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Most people are not particulary good at anything.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn`t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I`m not afraid of heights, I`m just afraid of falling from them.
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If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
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If it`s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I`d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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I don`t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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There`s no present. There`s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I`m just not close enough to get the job done."
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I`m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it`ll be much harder to detect.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Don`t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything`s gonna be all right.
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I`m completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I`m just not close enough to get the job done".
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I`m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don`t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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Trivia
Received a Hollywood Walk of Fame star in January of 1987. It's located at the corner of Vine and Selma Streets, between Sunset and Hollywood Boulevards. Milton Berle presided over the ceremony.
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His wife, Brenda, died one day before his sixtieth birthday.
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Has starred in 11 HBO specials since 1977.
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His list of the Seven Words You Can't Say on TV are referenced in Private Parts (1997).
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Chosen as #2 in Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time (April 2004).
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Daughter Kelly born in 1963.
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Has many popular writings on the Internet being falsely attributed to him, such as the anonymous commentaries "I Am a Bad American" and "The Paradox of Our Time," along with several lists of one-liner jokes. Carlin states on his website that he did not write them, and "nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website.
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Just before Christmas 2005, he experienced significant shortage of breath and other heart-related symptoms. On Christmas Day he entered Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Beverly Hills. During an eight-day stay he was treated for a lung infection and narrowed arteries. He received antibiotics and an angioplasty that included the placement of a double stent. The procedure was successful, but he was advised to take things slowly in the New Year.
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Some of his comedy influences include Spike Jones, The Marx Brothers, Danny Kaye, Jerry Lewis, Lenny Bruce and Bob Newhart.
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Irish-American.
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Was educated mostly in Catholic schools in New York City.
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The radio broadcast of an uncensored version of his routine "Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say on Radio or Television" became the center of a debate over censorship, and FCC legislation over profanity.
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Attended (but was expelled from) Cardinal Hayes High School in the Bronx, New York--the same alma mater as Regis Philbin and Martin Scorsese.
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Jack Burns and Carlin were a comedy team from 1960-1962. When they parted ways in 1962, Burns joined the Second City comedy group in Chicago, and Carlin pursued a solo stand-up comedy career.
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Appeared in "The Simpsons" (1989) episode "D'oh-in' in the Wind," playing a former hippie. In a previous episode of the show, Krusty the Clown is told he's being sued by Carlin for stealing the "Seven Words You Can't Say on Television."
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Biography in: "Who's Who in Comedy" by Ronald L. Smith. Pg. 91-93. New York: Facts on File, 1992. ISBN 0816023387
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Has received two Grammys: for his albums "FM & AM" (1972) and "Jammin' in New York" (1993).
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He was the first-ever host of "Saturday Night Live" (1975) on 10/11/75, as well as the first-ever host of "Fridays" (1980), an ABC show fashioned after "SNL".
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Inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame in November 1994.
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